It’s been a while hasn’t it? Since I posted a blog? And this is not me coming back in a blaze of campaigning fervour. This is me slipping back in, PJs on, and climbing under a blanket. Pass me a cuppa please? I want to have a chat.
In February 2017 a wonderful person came into my life. Our glorious story is not mine to tell in public, although many who know me know it well. He is no longer with me, and at the age of 38 I am finding out, later than most, what heartbreak is like.
His entry into my life, although none of us knew or wanted this then, marked the end of a chapter. My marriage to a kind and compassionate man is over and my beautiful boys are learning to live between two houses and without their family living together in one place.
In amongst these changes, my youngest has finally had his third, much anticipated, open heart surgery. That’s a story that I may well tell at some point, but suffice to say Alder Hey Children’s Hospital was fab, David was incredibly brave and he is recovering brilliantly. He is back at school Nursery and is full of more energy and fun than ever.
I could write about heartbreak. I could write about the practicalities of divorce and money and the things I’ve learned. I could write about my incredible children and what they are teaching me. And I am sure I will post about all of those things given time.
But for now I would like to use this space to focus on some simple things, things that are important to me, and things I will use to guide me as I create a new, and eventually exciting, life for myself. I was asked last year what my passions are, and I found it a really interesting question. I gave it some thought and I realised that there are 6 things that make my heart sing, that give life that extra sparkle and that I need at least two of each day if I am to feel good, and to feel like myself.
Passions
* Sunshine
There is a flip side, or perhaps a complimentary side, to these things. Some days are not passionate days. Some days are about self care and shutting out the world and wrapping yourself up in love. These days are about:
Safety
* Rest
Whilst I navigate the coming weeks and months and find out what life now has in store, I’d like to share with you my passions, and how I am keeping myself safe. This will be an unashamed therapeutic exercise, and whoever wants to join me is welcome. Or you are welcome to wait until I’m back thumping the tables about breastfeeding support, maternity experience and the like. I am still working on Growing Families and the Hearing Your Feedback project, I am still pushing for better breastfeeding support on paediatrics, and I will build these things back up as I clear the mists of grief and change.
For now though let me share with you what is keeping me safe, and what is adding some much needed sparkle.
I cannot dance right now. My heart is not ready to dance. And music is very difficult, as my recent relationship was wrapped in music and there is very little that doesn’t currently bring out the tears. In desperation for something to listen to on sunny days, I put together a playlist of children’s cartoon theme tunes – who doesn’t love a bit of Fraggle Rock?? So in the sunshine, behind the wheel of my car, I have been rocking out to Chip n Dale and the Gummi Bears. Because you have to have something to sing in the car on a beautiful morning – it makes life worth living!
Thank goodness for the glorious weather we are having. The sun has barely stopped shining since the day in April when both my relationships came to an end. And that has been something for which I am so grateful.
I am slowly making the house my own and building an environment that gives me joy and makes me feel secure. I never liked this house before, but gradually it is becoming a haven and a place of both passion and safety. On the days when things are tough, my fluffy slippers, cozy blanket, giant hoodie and Netflix are keeping me safe and shutting out the world. And on the better days the colours I am bringing to my house are inspiring me to a brighter and a better life. I have the freedom to create that now.
Oh and speaking of Netflix, I have watched the entirety of Suits for some fantastic escapism. I now have a close relationship with the delicious Harvey Spectre, which I guess covers sex for now!
So we will see what this week brings and I look forward to sharing that with you. One final note is that I always knew I had good friends, but my word: when my friends come through they really come through. I have not felt alone at any time over the last two months, I have never felt a burden despite needing such an enormous amount of support. The women who surround me are some of the kindest, wisest, smartest and most generous women in the world. I want to thank them all, and I hope that soon they can share in more of my passions. But for now they are all keeping me very safe.
June 2018
Heartmummy Musings 