Remember I said I love the sunshine? I am a happy cat in this weather – even though it means the boys don’t go to sleep until around 9pm. This heatwave is doing me the power of good. And this week has been better than the last, for sure.
If you read my last blog post you will know that I am measuring my weeks by how much I get to indulge my passions, as I climb my way out of a change / upheaval / heartbreak hole. Sunshine is being well covered – thank you Mother Nature! And I am pleased to tell you that Music and Dancing are making a gradual reappearance. Which makes me feel a lot more like myself.
A lovely and sensible friend of mine helped me to get my appetite back on track at the beginning of the week, and that of course made a big difference to how I was feeling. The next morning I found myself singing the title of this blog and decided to find Buster Poindexter and his Banshees of Blue on Spotify and let it rip. Next thing I was dancing around my kitchen. And kitchen dancing has been absent for me for too long a time!
The boys are still insisting on the cartoon themes playlist as often as possible, but I do now have some more adult music I can stand to listen to as well. I say adult, but it’s a playlist of 90s classics put together with the help of my old school friends from the days when we would party at the end of our exams. I don’t think I can really call The Macarena and Love Shack grown up music, but it is a step up from the theme tune to Darkwing Duck at least!
I had to drive over to Alder Hey to pick up some medicines for David on Thursday and that 90 minute round trip was soothing, even though I must admit to crying most of the way. Having spoken to friends I know I’m not the only one who uses alone time in the car to let out the emotions. I might love Driving but it’s not always because I’m cruising along with my tunes on. Sometimes it’s just a private space to process things.
Freedom is easy to come by these days – I am free to make my own choices about most things in my life, and I’m enjoying creating the home that I want and dividing up my downtime. A huge win for this week was that on Friday night I actually slept well for the first time in a long time. A decent night’s sleep makes such a massive difference. I have felt able to tick off lots of jobs this weekend and make progress on projects that I wouldn’t have been able to face a week ago. So things are coming together.
As for Sex well firstly I have promised a dear friend of mine that if ever I decide to blog about my sex life it will be under a pseudonym! Fear not, I’m not going to be providing updates! But I have been thinking about two relatively distinct sides of my personality, that I’m sure we all have, and their viewpoints are most marked when it comes to thinking about future relationships. First there is Adult Helen who is going to sensibly wait until she has recovered from her last relationships before she thinks about re-entering the fray. She is going to learn how to be on her own, as she has never really done that before, and she needs to process everything, reflect and build a life that she wants. She now has a clear idea of what she wants out of a relationship and is willing to be patient and give life time to unfold. And she is keeping her alcohol intake to a minimum, because right now alcohol just exacerbates emotional vulnerability and makes sensible choices more difficult.
Meanwhile however on the other side is Princess Helen. Princess Helen has no patience. She bears a striking resemblance to Verucca Salt, in both mental age and attitude. Princess Helen doesn’t understand why she can’t drink to excess, dance on the tables, grab whoever is passing and let someone else pick up the pieces afterwards. She is pretty terrified of being alone forever and doesn’t want to listen to reason. She wants to scweam and scweam until she’s sick a la Violet Elizabeth and thinks that is the way to bend the universe to her requirements.
Princess Helen and I frequently have words. Adult me is just about retaining the upper hand.
Oh, and as a final note on sex, I came across this project via its Facebook page the other day: The OMGYes website says “Women’s sexual pleasure has hidden in the shadows for too long. It’s time to get it all out in the open. There’s so much that’s been left unsaid, unasked, and unknown. All because of a taboo that, we believe, will look absurd in a few decades – the same way taboos from the 1950’s about oral sex and homosexuality are absurd to us now. We want to accelerate that transition. OMGYes is an entirely new way to explore fascinating, useful and fun information that’s been uncovered in new research. Let’s lift the veil and take an honest look at the specific ways women actually find pleasure.” Sounds good to me. The women involved in the research were aged 18 to 95. Just that age range makes me happy.
So in summary I am feeling a lot safer at the beginning of July. Calmer, physically healthier, more in control. Still sad and sometimes fearful, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. Hopefully that will remain the case – even when the rain finally arrives.
July 2018.
Heartmummy Musings 